20 minutes of free writing. I literally had to set a timer, because without one I would be distracted and off doing who knows what in about 2 minutes. I am still not sure how I want to focus my blog, mostly I just feel like, as an “ordinary” person, I have experienced quite a few things in life that others can relate to. I have also noticed that it is easier for me to deal with these things by reading the experiences of others, and knowing that I’m not alone. I want to share my life; my trials, fears, passion, joy, and my thoughts in hopes that it will provide at least a couple of minutes worth of distracting reading material during someone’s boring work day, and at best to find kindred spirits… to provide solace to those who have faced hard times and maybe need a little bit of encouragement to keep on smiling. I’ve never written in any sort of public forum before, so please excuse me if I lack a certain degree of finesse in my writing.
I thought I would take today’s assignment to another personal level. Publishing free writing will make a lot of us feel horribly exposed. I decided to also post a snap shot of myself this morning, as something I struggle with and intend to write about is my tarnished self image. I look at that photo of myself, tired eyed with no make-up on this early Monday morning, and these are the first things I notice: My nose looks big, my teeth look crooked, my hair looks poofy, you can see the start of my double chin, the list could go ON and ON. I’ve struggled with this my entire life. The first things I see when I look at myself tend to be what I see as the “bad” things. Big cheeks. Arm flab. OMG did I gain three pounds?! Is my butt saggy? Do my teeth look yellow? I should have NEVER cut my hair. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, SELF! I feel like a lot of us focus so much on what we believe is wrong with ourselves, that we don’t stop to look at what is RIGHT. I am trying really hard to start to focus on the good. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for quite a while. I’ve been doing MUCH better lately. But I feel like it’s a day to day change from “I feel great, I can eat what I want when I want and still be beautiful” to carefully calculating EVERYTHING that I put into my mouth while thinking horrible things about myself. I’ve been lucky enough to establish some very strong relationships with some incredible people who help me feel good about myself, who help me with that daily struggle.
I am not a morning person. Every once in a while I will have that great morning where I jump out of bed, ready for the day, but most of the time that is NOT me. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been a theatre person, oh, I don’t know, forever? Late night rehearsals lead to the never ending want to sleep in. I also work in a job where I have to be at work between 8:00 and 8:30. I get to work, and all I want to do is lock myself in my office with a huge cup of coffee for at least an hour (preferably 2). I get to work and attempt to plaster something that resembles a smile on my face and say “Good morning” to everyone I pass till I can make it to my office and start sipping (or guzzling) that morning cup of my sweet, sweet addiction. Did I mention that my boss IS a morning person? Well, this week, thanks to Interstitial Cystitis and my Doctor’s recommendations, I am trying to give up coffee for green tea. It’s 11:50 on Monday morning, and I have not yet had a drop of coffee. The usual morning haze is taking quite a bit longer than usual to wear off. AAANNNNDD my 20 minutes is up.